To Adam, my son

Hi Adam,

How are you? How are your kids? I hope everyone is good, including your wife Jackie and of course the  children. I've seen pictures of the twins and they look just like you when you were their age. (that's a good thing :-). I don't monitor their or your lives very much since it's incredibly painful but sometimes, like now, I get the courage to reach out, knowing that most likely I'll be rejected again.

I'm living in North Carolina, in a town called Southport. It's kinda touristy since there are so many beaches nearby. My wife Melissa and I moved here about 2 years ago. I bought the place 3 years ago as a fixer-upper but just haven't wanted to sell it yet. It's on a small quiet lake about 10 miles from the coast. We really like getting up and looking at the view in the mornings. Sometimes we take the boat or kayaks out on the lake fishing or just cruising. My step-son Ryan lives 30 min from here in Wilmington.  He's going to the college near where he lives - UNCW. It's a beachy kinda college. :-)

I just wanted to let you know that I miss you. There's a really big hole in my life that used to be filled with you guys. I know everyone there hates me but maybe if we just talked you might find out that there's two sides to every story and SOMETIMES people will exaggerate when trying to win supporters. We never talked about anything after that day Canada's Wonderland. It's like you guys just disappeared behind your mother.

That time at the ceremony, I think it was Nikki's grad, I may have said some things there that I shouldn't have. Maybe I said some things at other times as well that I shouldn't have. That was shit talk and it was not warranted. You didn't deserve it at all.  I was an ass and I apologize for those words. You are older now and maybe you can understand that when people are in a failing marriage, they sometimes begin to fall apart. I've never paid so dearly for words in my life.

I don't know if you recall the time I hurt myself and was hospitalized. I never saw you guys at the hospital, you didn't come to see your father who almost died. No worries though, I knew it wasn't' you guys, you were too young. Someone else was in control and winning at a game I was unqualified for. I had lost you all at that point and I knew it. I saw later that you had been told that your father was "unstable" and "in a dark place". No shit, I was losing my kids, who I loved so dearly, and I knew it and it depressed me to no end. I just couldn't stand the thought of living my life without you. I repeated that a couple of more times, but unsuccessfully (obviously). I'm still here but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you and your sisters. No sir, not a day.

If you ever just feel like talking. If you have any questions like, "dad, why the hell did you do this...", or whatever. I'm still your dad and have always been here for you even if you didn't know it.

Love always,
Dad